Women's Out each


“Wanting to see what my husband was watching, I started looking at porn and got addicted to a digital, relationship fantasy that I craved with him.”

Many people out there will glance at, view, or read pornography very seldom or at random. Compare them to people who will take a new drug—maybe even take pills—just to try it or to relieve the stresses of life. The point is, no addiction starts with the intention of becoming an addict; it starts as curiosity.

My ex-husband brought porn into our bedroom. I was uncomfortable with it, but I was "in love," so I did it to please him. I grew up thinking it was normal for men to look at pornography. During my first pregnancy, my ex-husband would watch porn because I was unable to have sex with him. I wasn't okay with it, and my animosity toward him increased. After the pregnancy, it was different when I had sex with my husband. I couldn’t compete with the porn stars he was watching. I lost my desire for him and he lost his desire for me as well. We would have sex, but it was very quick with no love or passion. I had hit a point in my life where I no longer loved my husband and felt he no longer loved me. As time passed, he continued to watch porn; he would go to bed without me and I would masturbate to satisfy my craving. I thought, At least I'm not cheating on him. He was never home, always at work; bills were more than our income; birthdays and Christmas were right around the corner and I was stuck home alone with our child and no car. The marriage that I dreamed of was not a reality. In fact, it had become a heartbreak! However, I played the wife role for my family, hoping every day that my husband would change, but I got pregnant a second time.

When the second child came along and again I couldn’t have sex because of complications, he invested in prostitutes and physically cheated on me with other females. Thinking only of my children and feeling they needed their father, I still refused to get a divorce. Still, I fantasized about the marriage I could have; I wrote erotic stories, hoping that my husband would find them and get the hint of adding romance into our marriage. He didn’t change, but it backfired when I found myself reading erotica as well as writing it. There were no photos, so I justified it by thinking it was not as shameful as watching porn.

I finally got sick and tired of my life and asked him to go to a marriage counselor. The first appointment with a counselor lasted twenty minutes, after which he walked out of the office. We both tried to work on our marriage and agreed to not look at porn or read or write erotica. I bought some books that we could read to bring love, trust, and passion back into our marriage, and it did get better for three months. However, that was our cycle; we would have a huge blow-up, get back together, and three months later everything would go back to the way it was. After countless years of marriage struggles, fear, animosity, mistrust, porn, self-condemnation, and physical affairs that had slithered into our life, I had no hope and decided to get a divorce.

I still struggle with the words "porn addiction." I've always considered myself strong and independent, so the thought of being "addicted" was not even a consideration or possible. IT IS! At the age of eleven, I viewed porn for the first time. From that time, my exposure to porn escalated into my marriage and beyond my divorce.

Since that time, I acquired a very dear friend who helped me out of the deepest pits of depression and despair. I proudly call this person my best Christian friend who made me accountable when I wanted to run away. This person never judged me for my past or present, and, feeling encouraged, I was able to break my chains of bondage.

"You cannot belong to Christ Jesus unless you crucify all self-indulgent passions and desires" (Galatians 5:24)

I was given the opportunity to tell my story out loud without judgment and condemnation. It allowed my heart, spirit, and mind to be open to the overwhelming forgiveness and love from our father. From that, I was able to overcome the temptations and lies that Satan put in front of me. Now I am on a direct path for Christ with no regret, but instead a testimony that I hope will empower you to take charge of your life once again and break the chains of bondage that Satan has wrapped you in.

 - Elizabeth/Houston, TX


PRAYER REQUESTS - Everything by PRAYER and supplication let your requests be known to GOD - Philippians 4:6

FREEDOM STATEMENT - Allow GOD to BREAK the yoke from your neck and TEAR your shackles away. - Nahum 1:13